Grow the f*ck up

joran haasnoot

— 5 min read

“Some people sacrifice their entire lives, because they can not sacrifice a single day.” ~Dr. K

Today I was very frustrated. Over the past couple of weeks, I think I’ve been doing reasonably well. It’s my holiday yet I’ve been spending it quite meaningfully: I’ve read about Carl Jung which has the potential of transforming my life for the better, I’ve been practicing writing (more on that in my first post), and I’ve been studying some things for university. Overall, I was quite happy with myself. But then this week I got this urge to play the video game Skyrim which I hadn’t thought about in the longest times, so I played it.

Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t think this is bad, actually, I think it’s quite a positive thing to do things just because you enjoy them. However, there’s a degree to these kinds of things. It’s one thing to play a videogame here and there, but in my case, it started consuming my entire life. I started going to bed late because I was playing the game, I stopped doing things I care about on a long-term basis such as writing and studying, and I even started skipping meals – something I hadn’t done in a long time.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s a definite pattern throughout my life. I assume you, the reader, could also relate to this somewhat. I think it’s to a certain extent kind of a natural thing, there are bad periods and there are good periods. But as with all things, this isn’t black and white, and I think it oscillates a little too much in my personal life.

It’s frustrating and demotivating because I keep coming back to this point. And although I acknowledge that every time, I am just a little bit more capable than last, the improvement feels almost null. I’m a thinker, so every time I come to this point, I have all kinds of theories, watch all kinds of videos and read all kinds of books on how I can stop this and each time I think I have pretty good ideas on how to improve. But I think that’s part of the problem. Each time I have new ideas, new techniques for self-management, yet no discipline to keep using these insights and instead slowly give up on them. Part of this is simply my personality, but I also recognize something this time around in it: the Puer Aeternus.

Puer Aeternus means “eternal boy”. Of course, there’s also the feminine term “Puella Aeterna”. This isn’t gender specific. I will use “Puer” though, as I am a man. In the analytical theory of Carl Jung this Puer Aeternus is an archetype, a kind of pattern which people seem capable of recognizing. It’s this idea of a child which can’t seem to grow up. It refuses to accept responsibility and keeps living a life commanded by others. As a child it’s treated as something special, something full of potential. The Puer knows about his own potential and is afraid of committing, for it kills this potential. Instead, he dwells in fantasies of his own potential, and lives through them. There’s a great chapter in Pistis – Demystifying Jungian Psychology on this very archetype, as it’s something said to be relevant to “almost all psychological issues in people under 40”.

I am this child. I refuse to take any responsibility for my life, nor that of others around me as I expect them to take care of me. I used to have this horrible longing for other people to see my pain, because I expected to be cared for. I dwell in this delusion that I’m special, that I have so much potential. And this is true, for you too, but it poses a difficult question: which path do you choose? The Puer knows all too well that by choosing a path it has to sacrifice another, and it can’t bear such a loss. The Puer instead chooses to live a half-life of fantasy, in which nothing has to be sacrificed, but nothing is realized either. The realization that one is a Puer begs a crucial moral obligation: grow up.

So, what is growing up? I don’t think I can answer that question for you, at least not fully. I know at least that a part of this is in realizing responsibility, for those around you but maybe most importantly for yourself: take care of yourself, love yourself, set boundaries for yourself. This also means that you shouldn’t try to kill the Puer inside of you. Instead, find a life in which you can live alongside it. For the Puer it also gives you creativity and hope.

What I’ve seen online and in real life with my friends is that they have this desire to grow up in some sense of the word, but they don’t want to do it the boring way. They try to hyperoptimise their lives for that is the special thing to do, and as a Puer you see yourself as special. You don’t want to be normal in the slightest. But to truly care for yourself, you need to become normal. Develop habits to care for your needs and do it the old painful way of hard work and simply do it. You will fail, a painful amount, it will be hard, it will be boring. But maybe it will be worth it.

I always imagine new routines, new habits, and how they will transform my life and how much better I will become, but this is still just a fantasy. I think everything will just happen immediately. But it has to develop over time, not days, not weeks, maybe not even months. In the book Pistis – Demystifying Jungian Psychology the author talks about coming to acceptance that this will take 6-12 months. My first thought is then “ah there’s a range, so I’ll do it in 6 because I’m a fast learner”, but it’s precisely because of this thought that I need to come to terms that it’ll take a year for me, and in this period, I will fail, a lot.

This has been the insight which has been living around in my head, but I’ve had more insights like these. I need to remember it and live through it. There are different answers, and this is just one of many. I need to see this answer through and figure out whether it’s the correct answer or the wrong answer for my life.

My first step will be that I know I am a lot happier when I wake up at around 6:00, so I’ll make sure I can do this as often as possible. Or rather, my first step will be to go to bed today at 21:00 and set my alarm for 6:00.

The night was half-moon, and with a thorn in her eye Jamaica raised her sword to the monster. A monster made out of mud and mold, with insects buzzing and eating from it. The monster took the form of those we deep down saw as hideous and ugly and for Jamaica that was herself, her own helpless self. She could barely see this hideous replica of herself, and because of this she had led to this horrible injury to her eye. “Why can’t you just help me?” Jamaica begged “I’m not ready to be an adult, please help me” she’d screamed, but nobody had come to help her. She realized that nobody would come after all, and if she didn’t defeat it soon, she would be worn out of energy and would, quite possibly, die. But even so, she couldn’t possible face that- that monster.

 

And thus, she died.

Inspirations:

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